seasons…

Winter is here…another new season of life to experience…my face often chilled & left damp by the winding gusts of wind & rain…noses & fingertips cold to the touch when our lips & hands meet…bland skin, as our food, now dry, pale & lacking summer’s golden glow…

storms of sea swell that push mountains of waves into the landscape’s edges, over & exposing slabs of rock that foam & swirl pushing them back to the depths, the cliffs rapidly breathing out their salty mist…& back into my lungs as i too exhale, having held mine gasping underneath this violent greeting…

this is the wild winter that i dreamed of here in Ireland…breaks of waves neatly tucked into the deep jagged corners of the coast, below, at the valley of the encircling mountains…with the sun above, an equal arc now in the sky…winter solstice…the days now can only grow longer, with more light to re-nourish our energies.

The darkness feels heavy on me as everything slows down…every movement, every thought…my body tight & stiff…well-rested yet still tired enough to just let it all stop…in sleep, against the warmth of his skin…& i realize again how connected we all are to this energy…from the sun…with the change of the seasons…i am now living my life through the seasons…

whereas before, all things constant, i kept up my steady pace…one foot in front of the other…all things so certain, all things so sure…there was no question where to go when i awoke, to where i was needed…offering healing hands & words, giving away so much of my own energy…whereas here, now in this winter, is the time to give back to myself…to heal my own body…& to prepare for the season of new growth to come.

our love, the ever constant light in the challenges of starting this new life…in a new inconstant country…I can speak the language, but every thing is still different…& it’s challenging to find the places where i can belong…armed with a wealth of knowledge, experience, & desire to help others, i am resorted to serving tea & wrapping packages…full of vitality & kindness for my friends, i am distanced from their company…frustrated, i am reminded to be content with the simplicity…& to be patient during this time of transition as i focus on building my dreams…my dream for a sustainable, healthy future & giving more to help heal & empower a community, surrounded by the sea…just as it has done for me.

I reflect upon all of the things that this year has given to me, & where i was but a year ago…I was filling the gaps at home making plans to move to California, hoping to find a place to settle for surf & to launch another adventure on the far side…but fate would take me to another direction. I was humbled when I failed a credentialing examination required for work, but inspired when I found another path for growing, as i now knew the truth in the connection of our health, & our food. I tried to build contentment at home in Florida, by acquiescing to what was expected of me, & burying myself in attempts to find the right person, place or community to feel at home with…but i could always feel the energy calling me home to Ireland.

It was amazing how easy it then was to just be present…& to finally just be myself…& i was appreciated. i was surrounded. i learned so much about community & i let go of the stubborn self-sufficiency that had kept me from being complete…now whole, i learned just how much i was worthy of being given, as the universe aligned & every thing in life that i could ever want walked into my life…& now every dream held beyond my grasp is here in my hands, here in my heart.

Life with a partner to share has been the most amazing gift i have ever received…our days are full of joy…laughter…peace. I find the best version of myself in listening & sharing more…& i have found my home. Even with the longing this holiday season to be closer to friends & family afar, & the uncertainty of where exactly we will be in the new year, i know that Robin & i will grow together, with each passing season to come.

festive holiday greetings for a happy Christmas & growing love in the new year…all of my love & gratitude:)

roots

Follow me to where our rivers run
Diving into the glimmering sun,
Where we stand soft golden sands
Bonding love with our hands…

Under a bowery of leaves beam
Golden heavens canopy this dream,
From the very roots of my heart
Growing to cherish never apart…

Sweet solitude in the mountains give us peace
Branching through love, our souls’ release,
A child once young & free
Your spirit always carried with me…

Moments. My dear friend gave me a book that expressed the connection between surfing & living in the moment. It’s a way of life that as a surfer, you’re blessed to come to understand…no paddle, no surf…no samsara, no nirvana…essentially, life is going to be equally full of “suffering” as joy…

I found, followed, created & cultivated my own happiness in Ireland..many now ask why I can’t do that here at home in the United States…I don’t believe that I could not…or that any one place offers any more joy or disappointment than the other…I am amazed by the love & generosity of my friends & family here! I’ve been gifted so much…from clothes to keep me warm to a new loving home for my pups to food in my belly! Or a roof over my head! I am continually blessed & grateful for these people & places that feel like home. I know that I am suffering to leave loved ones & miss meaningful moments…I’ve already missed many & will continue to with sadness & longing…for my roots are here & they run deep, strong with generations of love! …branching!…growing!…sharing!

So just as a cutting taken from this tree, these things are in every way still with me…parts of my very soul now transplanted to lay down my own roots! to weave into the nourishing earth…to rise a strong trunk to stretch with the vibrant sun…& to extend the branches to bear the fruits of all of the love surrounding me.

Here, I have found my balance between both life’s disappointments & joys…because here I have started to build a life in which I can live in the present…& be grateful for the moments…it’s all that any of us can ever do, anywhere! We are only promised moments…not even minutes, nor hours, nor days or years…just moments! How we live is how we choose to respond in those moments…do we react with fear, judgment or negativity? Or do we give love, patience & hope?

My heart overwhelms in gratitude when I think about the moments that I’ve experienced in all of my life leading up to this point…the memories cherished from a child to now, always guided by such a loving family…I feel this when we gather around the dinner table…where I once sat without a partner, now bestowed & adorned with an Irish linen cloth so that we may always join them…I give thanks, instead of taking these moments for granted in life, of breath! as I sat with my parents in the hospital last week…I give thanks, instead of regret for the moments holding my sweet nephews to sleep…I give love! instead of fear for each & every moment that I can share with Robin…no matter where we are in the world, together or apart.

My family always reminds me of my roots, & I won’t ever forget where I came from. I spent the past weekend visiting them & my dear Granny Duke as we celebrated years of her willful work, perseverance & faith to see her dream through…I couldn’t have felt any more connected to her, wearing the golden necklace from my mother, from hers, & from hers…generations of all of us connected in spirit, as I watched Granny work, directing with that southern moxie, fierce independence & timely smile…her work was not just honored in it’s completion, the outcome would never have mattered, but by the love & energy that could be felt between every person along the way, there & in spirit, that came together to praise & support her. She created a space for us to gather & celebrate, & the spirit of my mothers & fathers will always live on between the bowery of those wooden beams…as well as in me with the work that I have begun in Ireland.

Granny took me to my forever home in the mountains, the place where as children we swam in the golden, silver streams, glimmering light our eyes & lush evergreen canopies to shelter…& I remembered all the moments shared…picking berries, making jam, lighting fires, collecting rocks, hunting for skinks, walking the road, hiking the hill, swimming in the cool water, stomping, dancing to bluegrass, sharing meals, sitting to yaw the day away & reading myself to sleep…life in Ireland couldn’t be any closer to home…for this is our heritage…& from that island…across the sea…to the mountains…I came to be…

the fall…

there is a place that I can go
where the beauty surrounding equals that within far below.
i feel the earth under my feet
i stop and stretch to slow down for these roots run deep.
i dive untouched under the ocean swell
for this is my home in the country, in love i fell.

down in the valley there is a field
sun shines golden on your skin
i turn to you to tip your hat
bestowed with a simple man’s grin.

i feel the warmth upon my face
cascading free along the waves
if the darkness takes me under and i can’t breathe
i look to the light and am freed.

i hear the siren’s silent call
echoing the resonance within the tree
each beating part of an infinite universe in perfect harmony.

out of the darkness now I can see
a beautiful spirit equally happy and free
for this is where our garden grows
full of promises yet to be known
our loves run, swim and play
grateful for each moment, each day.

It’s amazing the power of your intentions when you put them down in writing…or create something with your hands…perhaps it could only be magic…an energy escaping from your very soul, fingertips to release every line, every story, every molecule of your being that brought you to where you are right here in this moment…letting them go…& gifting them in love…where does that energy go? I never imagined how much it could be shared until now…

I wrote this poem two years ago…lonely & isolated, discontent & burdened…drowning…saved by the sea…I shared my dreams…& now they are all becoming realized…

I fell in love in the garden…serendipity & courage redirected my path there…but i was never alone…even across the Atlantic, I stood east facing the rising sun…& could feel his energy pulling me….I stood east facing the onshore winds… & could hear him calling me home…& i gave thanks.

I found a garden in County Clare, Ireland… & i created a path, & upon that, i knew that i had found a home…for all the years’ that i had struggled…for all the tears that i had shed…had been the intentions of all of my hopes, my dreams…gifted to the universe, so that my burden & heart would be lightened…

this wasn’t always the path that i sought…blinded, i foolishly followed others’…i gave away those dreams, seeking worth in what i could be to them…i gave myself, all of my energy away, often until there was nothing left but an empty shelf…

one year ago, i found renourishment in the sun & the sea…I allowed myself to let everything go…& found the love in myself, in return, in Portugal. I like to pretend that here I became a mermaid:)

…but I continued to drift, & finding my legs on land, giving way…breathless…until i could find my home in the sea again.

In our home in Lackamore, there has always been this energy…this warmth…peace…& comfort…that has carried me through all of the numbing challenges of life alone on the hill… the warmth of the rising sun having finally heated my bed, cold the night before as i would curl up, legs to chest, as i am now able to stretch…catching glimpse the whimsy of the skateboard I keep in the corner of the room, to remind me to be brave & bold!…reaching for a sweater, kept clean & dry to shelter me from the winds & rain, within the antique mahogany dresser, a scent to remind me of the equal shelter of my parents, grandparents’ homes…to the warmth of the morning light of the kitchen, as my eyes begin to open, windows now also as i can greet the weather… or dancing! the music shared as the sounds renew my energy, & the laughter overflows!…or to a place to rest my feet, tired from the days’ long work, or to share a meal with the once strangers now family that have also nourished me in love in this home…as the hunger in my belly, now also filled by the nourishment placed on these wooden shelves…where I could pour my heart into creating a meal to share in love! from the very work of our own hands! this energy has surrounded me…we have survived the challenges of the cold & rejoiced in the warmth of the sun…always together…for I wouldn’t have made it through the Summer without him & this energy, let alone the height of the last days’ harvest, as we celebrated its end…& the beginning of the Fall…

We weren’t supposed to be here…but something did bring our paths together…& having intersected that one day last week in the garden, eyes greeting over a bucket of salad & a bewitching smile…in the kitchen of our home, lips meeting over a mixing bowl & a lovers’ dance…in the sea, bodies flowing over a wave & underneath a child’s playground…& by creating a beautiful space to share, I found the carpenter of my soul…& now our paths continue on together…

for it was he whom had also shared that bed in the midst of winter…& he whom had built those shelves…& those were his belongings left behind that i was cherishing…all there to keep me warm.

So now in October, we will meet in Portugal, & then he will take me home to Clare…where our garden grows, full of promises yet to be known.

the mountains

follow me to the mountains’ rise & fall,
winds whisper silence to call
safe in the valley my feet stand,
vulnerable heart by his hand

digging hands deep to climb,
blind reaching ties that bind
to the solid strength of the rock,
cut by rivers soft clock

time, all things carried out to sea,
following the pilgrim soul in me

I came to find the sea, & I found a mountain…shadows thrown by the rise of the sun, cast down their dark summits, rivers lacerating the land, soft…green…protected in the valleys…& always turning towards the sea…

Where did I begin? Did i arise from the depths of the ocean, my body’s wave floating the currents, until the tide drifted me to where the land began? sand. this island’s glass softened: buffering my skin from the salt of the sea to the hard pebbles of reef to the slippery blades of dew…I find my feet & carry them all…with each step.

Or was I created from the unbounded heavens’ sky? clouds. rays of light shine beyond, this continent’s shelf hardened: strengthening my soul from the wind in my face to the rain, cold wet to the weight of the earth…gravity…I find my hands & carry them all…with each reach.

From the sea, I elevate…the wind rustling grass, the wind whistling echoes, it lets me know its presence. I pause at each landing, turning over my shoulder in gaze of my home…returning, eyes forward now to my mountain…back and forth, back and forth…I am now divided.

Two equal parts. the river bisects the valley. from the mountains it begins. & to the sea it ends.

Are we all this way? Two parts of night & day, rise & fall, courage & fear, strength & fragility? I let myself be.

After spending 10 weeks, every day in the garden, I let myself take a holiday. In love with what we have been creating here, I had been basking the garden with intense warmth, sunshine, rainfall & care to nourish it…but it was also due time to let it breathe…a dear friend showed up & we forged an adventure. There were so many places that I had been told about, my wandering spirit excited! And as much as I love living up here on the hill, by continuing to be at the mercy of others, there are times that I feel trapped…I take the weather as it comes & have learned to try let go of controlling all parts of my days…& to let others help to take care of me instead of being so stubbornly self-sufficient & independent.

The car jammed packed with boards, garden picnics, well water, books & cameras, I was ready to let the road & others cater to me for once! A delay, no keys in sight to go. After 2 hours of searching, I resolved that the hill just didn’t want to let me go, but pleaded for the freedom so desperately sought…then suddenly the universe delivered & i. broke. down…

all of that fatigue, frustration, loss, sadness, confusion & desperation finally escaped me…& a weakness left behind that dulled any motivation to move…my body needed rest.

& so for one week I became a fat, lazy tourist. We followed the Wild Atlantic Way north to Galway…suddenly overwhelmed in a city, masses of consumers & shops & signs…ooooh jeeeeeeesus! where am i so removed from the peace & solitude of the country?!? I found a moment of respite in a cathedral…& remembered my last days in Europe, wandering the streets alone seeking the chapels. I took to my knees & palms pressed, I prayed in the red & yellow light cast from the stain-glass windows.

Seeking Connemara, we turned off to the Inagh Valley for peace at last, immediately enchanted by tranquil lakes nestled into the hips of the mountains, despite the mounting winds. I drank 2 pints of Guinness to accompany an Independent Red Ale to compliment my soda bread, butter, salmon & mussels & roasted spuds. I followed it up with an Irish coffee & 3 scoops of honeycomb ice cream. The barkeep thought I was crazy. It encouraged me to chat up a fellow adventurer after my ears perked to hear an Irish accent relay the dinner menu in French…& to go to sleeeeeeeep.

Awake & re-energized! I walked the road alone, my favorite morning routine, & found even more beauty…all of my colors bridging the gaps! grey pebbled limestone tops across the silvery blue stillness…we climbed Diamond Hill & i seeked the silence as even footsteps were too loud to bear…even now I could not produce the words to master the beauty of Connemara so I will keep that silent for me.

We continued north to County Mayo, deep in the fjords & back to the sea of Silver Strand…picking blackberries to snack…it was a “drive-by fruiting”… & I was relieved that it was too windy to surf…my body still craved rest so I listened. Onto Westport, I swear I tried to do something for myself, but failing to find a pamper, I logged into work & a latte. The garden needed my attention, even 4 hours away. Grateful for such amazing hospitality, I tried to maintain my sunny disposition, but I was still tired…& tried. Energy levels don’t always match & I found myself being less patient & generous, and more self-serving than usual. I thought to myself, that it was “my time to be taken care of, dammit!” but kept in check by my perpetual optimism & gratitude for the moment generated. I found myself going back and forth, back and forth again…& saw the two sides of me & others.

I found balance the next morning by surprising an acquaintance for a surf at Aughris. These memories of the expressions of their faces for unexpected gifts of gratitude will always last!…& finally again I slowed down as we came to Strandhill, relived by the lack of good surf haha! & all senses with a hot seaweed spa bath & chorizo, prawn & carrot cake dinner at the acclaimed Shells Cafe that I knew from my own unexpected gift from home. Also relieved, we made a plan to come back to save a mission of the drive, now heading South, home to Clare.

With one more day’s destination to Kerry, after carrot cake for breakfast:) we laughed of the tropical paradise found! Low tide at Fermoyle Beach with miles & miles of empty white sands, bubbly white clouds & turquoise waters that continued along the coast of the Dingle Peninsula. Stopping at a craft brewery, we could’ve easily been home in Florida, in our shorts, tanks & surrounded by tourists: eeeek AMERICANS!!! Where are the palm trees?!?! oh yes, that’s Cork…with only knee high waves & clusters of bodies, I can’t believe that I passed up surfing again, despite the clean lines, as my body & mind said WALK, WALK, WALK away from the mayhem…I climbed the top of a dune & was afforded a panoramic view from supine in the warm sand to close my eyes…despite the beauty, I would’ve swam home to Clare if not for the temptation of beer, burger, chips, pizza & a chocolate biscuit cake for dinner with a full Irish breakfast to wake up to…

hahaha fat. lazy. tourist.

On the ferry crossing the Shannon, I could see the green hills of Clare & my energy now back on high! as I felt the pull of being back in the garden & excitedly made a plan to forage for seaweed, attaching a bag to a belt while swimming at Freagh, for the wild food cook-up. BIG smiles & hugs with new & familiar faces! I’ve never felt more at home with a community…continually generous & grateful for the environment we are creating. Also coming home to the sea, walking in the wild wind with a kindred & inspired, I thought much about the division between a “consumer” & a “giver” society…& made my own “comfortable” choice for the way in which I want to live…between the anonymity of the city, & the isolation of the countryside…between the excess of the mad flock of tourists, & the deficiencies of the solitarian…between the cockiness of the affirmed, & the insecurity of the anxious…between the loss of the continual giver, & the gain of the perpetual receiver…between the hardness of the mountain, & the softness of the sea…i find my balance & am grateful that I know my place in life & what brings me happiness…I may not have all of the things that I want for in life, but I have the mountains, & I have the sea…others aren’t always so fortunate to have come to that valley yet.

…i looked in the mirror today, laughing & smiling at my now more supple cheeks, rounded face…& thought: “LEXI! GET YOUR ASS BACK TO THE GARDEN!!!”

soul food

The fiery orange montbretia flowers gave tell that Summer was fading away, just as the loose clothing on my body’s frame pushed me to spend more time in the kitchen. It’s easy to be inspired here when the most amazing food is at your doorstep & within arms’ reach…you just need to take the time…the time to sow…the time to nourish…the time to gather…the time to harvest…the time to share…& the time to preserve for winter.

I’ve been learning a lot about discipline. commitment. detachment. giving.

Inspired by the creative energy harnessed inside to write! organize! brainstorm! while confined by the ever-changing sunlight to tropical mist to blustery conditions outside…I became addicted to tea…& sweets. I realized that I had completely lost any self-control in giving my body what it really needed…sugar & caffeine were an inadequate substitute for a nourishing buzz to keep up my pace…& only left me with the pangs of a bitter hangover: throbbing head, swollen, dark eyes & regret.

I had also stopped taking the time to walk & give thanks back to the earth in the mornings, not so much because of any previous awkward run-ins with my farmer friends, but because I had become so caught up in accomplishing these goals & taking care of others, that I forgot the importance of taking care of myself. Ferg has been an ever-constant reminder that everything else could fall into place for the day if you simply started it with a little bit of meditation & yoga. This morning, I took the time again to walk the road…harvesting blackberries and staring back at my butterscotch cows in meditation…& the sun rise seemed to smile back at me when I turned my back for another look. I walked inside, undressed & stood bare in front of the mirror. I took note of my changed posture: cheeks taught, shoulders high, clavicles deep, sternum pooled, hips tucked…but a supple well-nourished strong body…I lightly stroked my skin in the directions needed to elongate, letting go of my breathing to it’s own natural pace, & watching my chest expand with every deep breath. My body finally let go of it’s tension…& served as a reminder to better take care of my own.

I’ve been mad for baking & cooking up something special for others from my harvesting forages…”Bachelor Mint Cacoa-nut Biscuits” to help heal…”Aran Island Apple Omelets” for a happy accident & good laugh…a vase of “Rainbow Spinach Surprise Flowers” for an unexpected refreshment…a pan of “Lackamore Lasagne” & “Fried Green Lean-to-matoes” to warm my lonesome soul left here to my own devices…and “Black & Blue Berries”, as I saved the last harvest of his favorite, only to be left battered & bruised…forgotten.

But I never forget what has brought me & keeps me here. It’s beyond any fleeting attachment. It is my commitment to giving…and this community’s giving that I commit to. One night, set to be alone here on the hill, stubbornly self-sufficient in my mission, was surprised by this beautiful gift from my neighbor. Thistle & wheat to adorn it’s thoughtfulness, I finally made the time to return the favor…and the favor was returned again ten-fold over tea (herbal, non-caffeinated:)…As traditional as their tea, we talked of the Irish culture of how everything was just “grand”… in the lack of open expression, affection or awareness at times…I told her of my own “grand” story…as she related how some hearts merely haven’t learned how to be open enough to not fear such beautiful things.

The realization came to be that these hearts waver back & forth like the tides…pushing & pulling, forces of water that slowly erode even the strongest of rocks into the softest of sands over time…under my fingers, under my feet…I graciously accept them as we travel along these paths…always choosing love for mine.

the cliffs

a foolish leap the broken take
small steps forward we dare make
echoing sounds from such great heights
to the dark abyss slipping, fading light

follow me to the silence in the hollows
tempest cast away, never mine to borrow
safely guarded under the swell
the ebb, the tide, my body’s shell

softened, weightless i feel the pull
back & forth steps now heavy & full
my frame floating, the garden set free
harvesting the sun beneath the sea

hands follow the warmth refracted white
dancing my eyes, i surrender this fight
a love that has no limits, no boundary to horizon
gives way my anchor, a hope undone.

the anchor

breathe again, the wind fills my lungs
cast away to isle native tongue
silence speaks only to my ears
following steps my feet carry without fear

into a field of stone & thistle flowers
away my day, the sun, the hours
my body sinks with the sun to the earth
awake my eyes, night sky to birth

blankets my soul with every dream to light
safely tucked into the shadows of night
awake my soul! the sun kisses the sky!
and warms the grass where my body did lie

strength of my anchor pulls me home again
our eyes, our hands as ropes intertwine
a safe harbor from this storm
greets our parallel bodies’ form

I have shipwrecked myself on this island-how the winds have changed…setting others off in tangential directions from this center, yet polarizing, I am kept still in this harbor-as time revealed another truth: a wandering heart that could not match mine…but an anchor to give me a home.

They call someone like me a “blow-in”…where the winds have taken us to land here in County Clare to build a home. No longer just a passing squall, variable as the tides, yet never to be a native to this coast. They all say “wait until Winter” as if the changing weather could ever alter my steadfast heart. Yet with all things uncertain, some times I am not so sure that I can do this alone.

Seeking space, I craved anonymity & set off on a whim to the Aran Islands. I set off self-sufficiently with nothing but a picnic & sleeping bag, & graciously accepted the gifts presented to this tired body. For days, an awareness called to my taught muscles, only revealed by stunted movement…a tightness in my chest, my cheeks, as slowing down to breathe had come second to the constant moments from sunrise to sunset…here in the sunroom, I find room to breathe, in the welcome cool air as the light equally bakes golden warmth…a welcome company that I find so true.

It is a strange position to be in life:so secure & gifted by all of the generosity presented-as somehow in just being present-are needs met…yet I equally find myself anxious for survival, as I meticulously calculate each day’s stock & challenge to meet. I shared the story of my great grandma Opie & Helen’s Barn, how that same stubborn independence & moxie flowed through this lineage, branching out into my own veins…the thought came to me that perhaps we were always cursed to lose great loves…as so many before have departed…leaving us to fend for ourselves…perhaps a pattern too familiar.

For years, I kept running away, my blood poisoned by this truth, desperate to start anew & find secure footing… as with each step, feet sliding down the pebbled sand of steep cliffs…& into the unknown, i often fell…free…until landing broken.

But here I have found an anchor. A strong rope to grasp, hands clasped, to pull me out of the dark abyss, & into the light of day…out of the suffocating heavy swell that holds me down, & into the breath of air that in turn elevates my soul. My anchor is a part of every part of me…within & surrounding…sharing…with this awareness, it can be seen, felt, heard & touched…I see it in the faces every time that a gift is shared…they light up at the unexpected bestowing, providing even more in return than one could ever give away…I feel it in the emerald centers of his eyes, striking embers of the earth that soften me…I hear it in the pull & release of the tides, as the stones gently rock against each other & under my feet…I can touch it shared between sweet, genuine embraces of warmth between friends.

It’s an amazing new way of creating one’s own livelihood…one that many fear…in letting go of control or that which is “guaranteed”…but is it ever? Some put all of their day’s energy into a paper currency, & in return it burns away to pay for the things that their own energy could create…my body needs food, so I grow it…my spirit needs freedom, so I nourish it…my soul needs love, so I give it…

The winds in my face as the ferry took me across the swept sea, I could feel my lungs filling up again to their apices. Lightened by the freedom of the heavy load on my back, I paced past the foreign noises blaring in my ears. I walked & walked & walked, finding refuge sitting atop of grey-stoned wall, as the sun took the hours from me, I needed a place to rest. For hours I had not seen another, until a passing farmer on his tractor slowed to cease. Striking up conversation, he looked at me curiously as I asked for permission to sleep on his land. Not too many other blonde American women alone would likely have conjured up this idea in Inisheer! Granted, as he pointed towards his gate, I walked into a beautiful garden & orchard full of fallen apples & rows of those very same vegetables that I give care to. Left alone, & seeking to follow the sun into setting in, I found a sheltered space from the tender rain, amongst the purple thistle & lush fern, to make a bed. Sunken into the earth, it greeted the shape of my body’s curves, as the only energy I expended was to breathe & to raise my head above the line of foliage, periodically checking into the state of the sky as it changed from a golden glow to soft greyed pink to twilight’s blue…asleep now…my eyes only open to the brightest blanket of lucent stars, unblurred & my company to dreams.

With the rise of the sun, I carried on, extending the island in pace, until I found the tranquility of a lake to extend my own body…giving thanks for this place of respite… & to feel the pull of my anchor calling me home.

the universe gives…

sweet solitude unclaimed winds & water
my love assures my body abiding
white light reflected & dancing embers
my mind freed, my heart captured

Follow me into the wild unbroken sea,
my fingers grasp that which i cannot hold
Whispered songs for when you are old,
a siren’s unspoken poem, a love to be.

the universe gives…& it takes…my mother is really going to worry now but I want to tell this story…

I am tired. I am lonely. I am skinny.
Yet I am energized! I am gifted! I am nourished!

I’ve been giving so much energy into building a life here…that I began to lose track of what it needed in return. Despite all my needs being provided by & surrounded by such a giving community, I paused to give back to my own. A love like that can wear your thin, as annoyingly I no longer fill my clothes. A body that is my own but a photograph not recognizable by the lines on my chest. Funny because I am certainly living off more than just vegetables! I am listening to my body & giving it what it needs…including many many many sweet breads, biscuits, creams & cakes loving to fill my kitchen up with love to share! 🙂 (of course following meals of chicken, legumes or fish I promise mom!)

I had to listen to my body, when told that I was trying to do too much, I had stubbornly denied…yet it spoke loud & clear as one day it gave way…as I slipped into a floating dream amongst the lush trees & soft grass…& awoke ears ringing, eyes blinking & brain buzzing on the lack of oxygen in that moment as I slumped to the floor.

Fully recovered I confined myself to rest, & the tides of the universe rebalanced. With a clear head, my perspective changed. Ireland has this innate ability to teach one to slow down…to take in your breath as the wild dramatic landscapes unfold themselves across the horizons…to just be still & wait patiently upon another, or your wave…to listen intently to stories told, weather related or not:)…to simply let the universe provide organically.

For the past few weeks, I have never experienced such timing…where when I set out to walk the road, & a friend is there to pick me up…where when I create a meal, & a family is there to share it…where when my mind sets a goal, & a community is there to reach it. Where when I was lonely and missing loved ones, & they came together to make me feel loved…Where when I looked for a way to help a child, & they came running into the garden with smiles…Where when I sought to ride the waves, & a stranger gave me her board…Where when I needed to rest, & a warm bed was there to greet me…Where when before the rain came & I would need shelter, a mother opened her doors to teach me…

kindness is the currency here…& it makes all things easier to just…be…

Maybe it’s just because I’m laughing a lot:) I used to say I was “sad & skinny or fat & happy” but that no longer certainly applies! I’ve never experienced or shared more happiness in all my life…I’ve never wanted more!

I had been telling the universe for many years now that these were the things that I had wanted for my life…& I have found it here. Tears loose & skin taught as I sat listening to the story of how it all has come together, looking out over the wild ocean…& can now see it, because I am finally living it…by letting it come naturally…at a pace that matches that of my own path.

& I promise mom, I am taking care of myself…& I am letting others take care of me just as well.

giving…

My mother gave me kind & generous hands & a smile to share…as the doc pointed out in India last year that I must be Irish on my cheekbones alone.

My father gave me the spirit of the sea & deep set eyes to share with the horizon…as their depths know no limit looking out onto the Atlantic.

My brother gave life to his son…a love that equally knows no bounds…my sister gave me a hug…a continual love to heal all wounds.

Toady is the Fourth of July…a day that fills my heart with the gifts of my family in America. What I recall most are the things that we can give to each other…summertime as a child…surrounded by wild berries, lush mossy green forests & cool water creeks…the warmth of a wooden cabin & hot meal, family gathered around the table…we swing away into the rainy afternoon on the tin roof…& onto the night sky we enlighten with sparks.

In Ireland, I feel the innocence of this child…I feel the same fragility & vulnerability now…as tears escape me for the first time since leaving.

I miss the sweet simplicity of Jackson’s smirk…the same one his mother & I both share…& I recall how my sister always made me feel safe, standing a bit taller with straight brown hair to her forehead & a mischievous toothy-grin…I miss the sweet warmth of my girls wrapped up in my feet, as I reach down to pet that softest spot behind their blonde ears… I miss my mother’s gentle hug…as I last laid my head in her lap to cry…my soul so battered & bruised I could only give it away…I miss the moments that I have yet to even experience…to hold my newborn nephew & see my little brother in him…no longer at my side as a child, when we built a dam of river rocks in the creek, echoing the hum of cars passing on the above bridge…I will miss the countless laughs that my jolly father will bring to the head of the table…also recalling the silence as he held my hand walking through the blades of sticky marsh down into the valley, as we collected wooden sticks.

I will miss all of the things that I love…but I can see them here…in giving, I will see their love in the faces of the children that we welcome into the garden…I will see the generosity in my brothers & sisters here, as we play like children…grass-stains on our knees, golden hay clinging to our clothes, dirt deep under our nails & playful banter in the sea…throwing jellyfish bombs towards each other’s head & as we sit & wait for the waves to come…I will see the care of my parents as I offer this home full of light to nourish the fellow souls that blow-in with the wind just as I have.

In Ireland, I feel the innocence of this child…I feel the same strength & wonder now…as I am learning how to give…
…to give love, to give hope, to give life…& to give up.
Can I give any more?
always.
I let go of my long, spiraling hair that fell down my back, to build the strength that I would need to carry these gifts.
I let go of my narrowed expectations held between the scowl on my browl, to open my eyes to the truth that I would need to share these gifts.
I let go of my hands held tight around the love that I wanted, to open my heart to the love that I would need to accept these gifts in return.

For it is in giving, that we find the strength, truth & love in ourselves.

sufficiency

 

I came here to learn how to be more self-sufficient. I wanted to learn how to grow my own food then watch my hands shape it into something beautiful to share…my hands…finally healing…the deep cracks that burn pulling skin tight at every joint are finally giving way…softened skin by the rain.

It was nearly dry for two weeks. The thick clay turned into dust clinging to every cover as the sun shined so bright for these long 18 hour Summer days…my skin turned pink at my raw shoulders, nose and cheeks…giving way to now tanned freckles following my contours…i hide under my woven hat until I can dive into the mildly salty sea to cool the stinging nettle bites & tension in my muscles.

Our plants grew taller towards the sun, and the harvest has begun: beet root, potatoes, cabbage, courjettes, sugar peas, spinach, broccoli, kale, lettuce, onions, garlic & chard…accompanied by the glistened wild strawberries that I  pick alongside the road on my morning walks… we prayed for rain. 14 days would be too long.

We busily prepared, continuing the paths at the community garden & harvesting from the field, for the Summer’s feast at Solstice… and were rewarded with an outpouring of generosity and warmth as this community continues to welcome our place…we sat surrounded hip-to-hip on the bench that I had placed…&  the sun set on this longest day into the cliifs…hot tea, jest & stories all to be told again, as the family around me grows. I came here to be self-sufficient, but am continually accompanied by the generosity of this community.

My roots deep here now, I had to fight the fear to run again…scared of what I knew I had already let go of in my mind becoming real…as here I’ve had to re-invent myself…I am no longer a pediatric physical therapist…I am a volunteer…a farmer…a cook…a coordinator…a painter…a friend…a sister…an artist…and thus I prepare for what inevitably will be a struggle to make my way…without the security & confines of a career back home.

The fear of the challenges, as well as their rewards, that I know not yet to face…

We cycled 15k up the hills to reach the Cliffs of Moher…a task I knew not how to carry…my legs & back continuing to give way to the ease of a walk along the road…I fell far behind, but was not left alone…we reached the pinnacle, where the dark & brooding jutted rocks break into the lightened! green foam of the sea…I dove in…my body…my heart…my spirit refreshed, knowing that all of my struggles would be worth that moment of bliss… the round black stones, sand & grey slabs of earth to keep me warm…the light of the shadowed sun to keep me moving…the taste of salt upon my lips to keep me nourished.

I have to make my own way…but I have the love & support of this community…& it’s amazing how just to be there makes all the difference as we bear down to build up our humble beginnings…to create something that can sustain its own self for generations to come…a flourishing garden where there once was nothing but mangled, thorned brush…a field of lush green, black gold & life giving! where there once was nothing but salted earth…a home of light and love…where there will always be.

The rain did come & I welcomed its cool life back into mine…softly against my face…jeans soaked to my thighs, and falling off my now defined body, the sound of my heartbeat pulsed through my ear…as I walked the road alone…5 miles to reach the comfort of the sound of loose gravel under my wellies…a challenge I knew not yet how to face…but done…one step continually in front of the other…with a song to carry me…from every end of this earth I have come…to find my home.