September 27, 2013

Today & everyday, I am grateful for dreams…

When we find something that we love, we build dreams. Eyes open or closed, suddenly a picture takes shape-moving or still- of a life that we are seeking…something that inspires, gives hope & beauty, meaning…

I have felt an overwhelming gratitude for the dreams that brought me around the world this Summer…& equally in how these dreams have taken… their own shape.

Now I’m home packing up belongings into boxes, waiting for that call to bring me to my next step. I’m trying to be patient as I thought this journey had taught me, but I feel restless…ready to have it all figured out, putting the pieces of the puzzle back together again, despite the flexibility in mind I also thought I had obtained while abroad…as excited as I am to take on a new adventure, I can’t help to still wonder if I belong here…where I felt so secure, I now feel lonely…where I felt so much peace, I now feel restless…where I felt so free, I now feel expected.

When I fell in love with the experience of traveling, I dreamt to one-day make it all the way around the globe. I cut my anchor at home to travel for as long as it could last: being open to all possibilities & even creating a new life abroad. This freedom allowed me to genuinely be where & when I wanted, captivated only by the changing tides & winds.

It feels as if I just left. Part of me wants to get back out there, part of me feels good to be home. I learned that time carries on with patience, & what used to feel like a day, a week, a month or year was a long time to wait, was but an arbitrary passing. I no longer want to live a life with countdowns- just moments. Moments from when I awake to what dreams I can recall in my sleep. The most beautiful moments I’ve shared will carry on, as now, they are part of my soul, my story…& they lead me to building new dreams.

When I fell in love with surfing, I pictured this dream that I could live somewhere looking out my window each morning, to hike down my hill, play in the ocean & return in peace to start my day. I’d cook my family one of my big breakfasts & tend to their needs. A place where we could slow down time, without distractions or deadlines. A home built upon the simple life, where all that we needed was provided by the earth & community that we were a part of. I realized that for the month I was in Portugal, this dream had come true. My “family” became the people I could share these moments of true love & happiness with in this community.

I also dreamt about finding love, a partner to build a life with in a place that felt like home. I kept my heart open & fell in love in so many of these moments, but where they all took me instead was a newfound love for myself. I found genuine happiness in the strength, courage & peace that I felt within. & with this, there was no need for external validation. No clothes, jewelry or makeup could make me feel more wanted. No thrill or accomplishment made me feel more brave. I simply learned to feel as I am. It almost feels like life back home is polarizing me from this now.

I learned that our dreams aren’t always the version we play out in our minds…with an open heart, sometimes they’re even better. Sometimes we invest so much into these dreams, that we try to write our own stories. We hold the brush tightly controlled & color within the lines only. We play out the scenes as characters in a novel, ultimately seeking the happy ending we long for. I had found myself getting caught up in these stories, always plotting the next chapter for a sense of control & fulfillment…creating my own conclusions, somewhat blind sighted to many realities. For stories are not real life, they are the product of an ever hopeful & idealistic imagination. It’s easy to be seduced by these romantic notions, but actions are what create our paths.

I’ve come to learn that while I will never let go of the hopeful optimism that is my heart, I will give myself the freedom of letting go. For these are not my stories to tell. I don’t want that burden anymore. I can simply be as I am. I’ve learned to appreciate this, how to better handle disappointments & challenges with grace. But I’ve also learned how to speak up for myself as I am worth the fight. I’ve learned that I don’t have to have it all figured out- just as my travels took me to places that I had never imagined…makasih, .dhan’yavāda, obrigada, thank you for sharing this journey with me:)

September 8, 2013

Today & everyday, I’m grateful for time…

With time, the smile lines around my eyes & cheeks have deepened…as the depth of each passing day that brings me more strength, more courage, more happiness, more peace within…

The sun rises as I wake, ready to begin another day with a grateful heart…& mystery of the unknown…At midday, I am blanketed in the warmest sunlight that goldens my skin…kissed now with both youthful freckles on my nose & the weathered tan of aged hands…my day completes at sunset as the winds cease for a moment & twilight births the first star.

Outside my window is the vast Atlantic Ocean, & if I turn my head just right, she’s all that I can see on the horizon. The wonder of her depth & power, tides & tempest…yet, softness & fragility in my hands, my fall…

With time, I have seen how we are sisters: maintaining our strength visible on the outside, yet exposing our vulnerable hearts within…in love, in giving, in search of completeness.

With time, I’ve learned that I am worthy of an equal love…a love from the highest mountains’ rivers to the sea…a love as infinite, that anchors, harbors & safely carries me back to shore…

It’s time to think about coming home…

I realized that for the past 5 months my life has been dedicated to this journey…all the time spent lost in thought & dreams, making plans, giving up, letting go, coming/going, arriving/leaving, greeting & saying goodbyes…& just being…being here & now…in these moments…& simply being grateful.

I’ve given myself perhaps the greatest gift that I could in my time now…for I have not a partner to love, a best friend awaiting my return. I took a leap for the adventure & possibility of finding love, a best friend, a new vocation or place to call home…& rather have found a new love in myself…& I’ve never felt more beautiful, strong & calm…I’ll need this in the face of the storm I’ll have to weather…coming back to a life now unfamiliar & uncertain where my place is or where to go.

Time has taught me that all things change, as the ocean’s tides, & I will feel lost without her as my home… sharp coolness as I swim below, weightless flight down walls of waves, rapid heart beating me back to shore, saltwater dried white upon my tanned skin, sand in my wild long blonde hair & smile stretched across my pinked lips…

with time, I know that I’ll find her again to be my love, my home…in love & gratitude

Portugal & Spain

September 1, 2013

Today & everyday, I’m grateful to be a part of a community…

Home or abroad, we are tied to the land & sea…

Here in Ericeira, I walk south along narrow grey cobblestone streets contained within tiled white walls, trimmed by the colors of the sea. The channels branch off at every angle with hidden abandoned intersections & courtyards below wrought-iron balconies. Charmed by the simple feel of this small fishermans’ village, I wander & walk following the flowers or salty air.

If I go north, I walk besides plunging desert cliffs of dry warm sand sinking beneath my feet, cascading below the turquoise & azure swell turned white against dark jagged reefs & rocks. Along these cliffs the ice plants’ red & green fingers reach towards the hot cloudless sun blooming yellow or white paintbrush flowers, as the landscape scatters with endless corn stalks above my head. If I look away from the ocean down at the narrow pebbled trails, I find ripened wild berries along with dandelions for making wishes, Queen Anne’s delicate lace baloons & succulent sage-colored cacti to contrast.

I walk alone for miles & miles where the only sounds heard are the breeze rustling against my ears, sparrows’ sweet songs & rhythmical waves crashing below.

At my hostel, I’m not alone. I am now a part of a community of fellow travelers. My bunkmates have been gents from all over the world, & as they come & go as I stay, we have created a community sharing our stories & love for surfing. We’ve become family, me as a sister, sharing meals, space & much-needed encouragement out in the water. I pull bits of reef rock out from their young feet & share my limited experience to help reign in their passion for indestructibility & improvement. They provide endless laughs which relax my muscles & fears when the waves are stronger than me.

In this community, we are also cared for by the owners as family. One morning I awoke to look down out the window to a man stealing my wetsuit off the patio. I yelled & ran down the stairs to catch him, but in those 30 seconds he was gone beyond the path. Guilty, Nuno reassured me & loaned me another. He & his brother later took us out to surf the shallow reef break of Matadouro, which afforded a classic endless summer moment on a wooden longboard as the sun set. We freely traded boards for the evening, & this time in the morning when I looked out my window, he was refining the quick repairs I had made to my board. His wife Sonia invited me to celebrate her 37th birthday as friends & family gathered around a barbecue of salted pork, sea snails & cold beer. I smiled as her 6 year old son told me that I was pretty & asked for permission to kiss my cheek.

There is so much selflessness & love in this community, this family, that I can only hope to bring back a dose strong enough to affect mine. For this is the type of community in which I want to build…a garden for growth even in the desert, a vast ocean to play in, home to share, trust to believe in the good in others, & a place where life is a simple celebration of all that we have to be grateful for…

Thank you for sharing this experience with me!